10am Thursday - a wet morning in London. Four people are bored in the office of Wank PLC. They are all named like cunts because their parents were twats.

Hank says: Sorry I've been a bit slack recently - but Troy has a hangover so wants to revive the list...see below

CELEBRITY TWATS AND ARSEHOLES LEAGUE

Individuals

1) Wolf - off Gladiators
2) Noel Edmonds
3) Terry Christian
4) Sue Barker
5) Pat Sharpe
6) David Bellamy
7) Russell Grant
8) Dennis Norden
9) Dale Winton
10) John Leslie
11) Nigel Mansell
12) Carol Vordermann
13) Jimmy Nail
14) Keith Chegwin
15) Jimmy Saville
16) Esther Ransen
17) Shane Ritchie
18) James Blunt
19) Lloyd Grossman
20) Jeremy Beadle
21) Jim Davidson
22) Vin Diesel
23) Vanilla Ice
24) Chris Eubank
25) Steven Seagal
26) Jackie Chan
27) Julio Iglesias
28) Rolf Harris
29) Richard Madely
30) Vanessa Feltz
31) Anthea Turner
32) Mr Motivator
33) Jenson Button
34) Danny Baker
35) Peter Stringfellow
36) Elton John
37) Dennis Rodman
38) Jamie Oliver
39) Keith Harris
40) Carol Smilie
41) Gary Glitter
42) Tom Cruise

Groups

1) Robson and Jerome (especially Jerome)
2) The Proclaimers
3) Canon and Ball
4) Little and Large
5) Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee
6) Bucks Fizz
7) Bananarama
8) The Chuckle Brothers
9) Bros
10) Right Said Fred

Randy says: I have an objection to raise…….WHERE IS MICHAEL BARRYMORE!! I mean, the guy (allegedly) drugs, bums and drowns a guy and then lies about it in court, he says "Awright!" all the time…..do I need to go on?!

Troy Says: Yeah he's worthy of top 10, I think Rod "the parrott" Stewart has to be in there as well!!

Randy says: I'm surprised that we've managed to overlook Muhammed El-Fayed. What a twat.

Hank says: Fair enough… do we wan't to take Ghandi of the list. He's only there for shock value!

Randy says: I reckon! Let the old bald cross-dressing geeza be.

Troy says: Can we have a special twatiness mention for Jerry Springer??

Randy says: OH YES!

Troy says: I'm surprised we haven't put that fat bastard (one of the guvnors) on there...

Randy says (via company email being monitored by the Gestapo): No comment - be very careful what you say by email.

Troy says: Yeah yeah, sure, I don't give bugger at the moment though. I'll keep it very PC ;) What about Jenson Button for the name?

Chuck says: What about a Dead Twats list with Robert Maxwell heading it up?

Troy says: Ha ha, definitely although Maxwell should be on the Dead Fat Twats list. Michael Winner for always being in a smoking room with one of those legal chamber leather sofas.

Randy says: Guys, guys.....how did we ever forget PRINCE?!

He should change his name to "The artist formerly known as Prince but now known as Twat".

He just did a very silly thing indeed…….(allegedly) he had a huge deal on the table from a record label for his new album. This was quite an achievement on the part of his management team because:-

A) He's a twat
B) He's a dwarf
C) No-one really gives a toss whether he's making "music" or working as a street cleaner.

So, rather than taking the cheque and buying himself another yacht/spending it on coke/having a slap up meal at McDonald's, he gives the album away free with the Daily Mail.

Can anyone think of a better illustration of complete and utter nobendery?

Hank , Troy and Chuck say simultaneously: Oh yes!

Randy says: How the hell did we omit Charlton Heston. Charlton Heston put his vest on (sung)

Hank says: I'm back - just got a bollocking from "Jodphurs" (his boss) about my expenses. What about Ron Atkinson? Did anyone watch the programme where he was "learning" french?

Randy says: Nah! Unfortunately missed it. Teddy Sheringham. What a cunt.

Troy says: Hours of fun!! Yep! And Stan Collymore

Randy says: Didn't Stan take so many drugs that he thought he was a Golden Retriever or something??!! Vanessa Feltz - we need more women on this list

Troy says: Michael Parkinson. George Michael.

Randy says: Oh yes yes yes! Terry Wogan. He goes in the Irish section along with Ronan Keating. Seeing as we are an international team, I think we should now start a Twatmap and we should put together Twatworld Cup squads with each country submitting it's squad……which country will be Twatworld Cup Champions? Spain are looking fairly strong I think. Troy, aren't you Spanish?

Troy says: Fuck off. I'm Columbian. A couple of blinders there weighing in…there is a real cockadoodledoo that interviews famous people at the Actor's Guild in New York, don't know if you've ever seen that. Clive Anderson and Clive James should be there too.

Randy says: Clive Anderson - yes. I'm afraid I can't accept Clive James……when he was a kid he built a "camp" in his garden. Whenever he was joined in it by friends he didn't like for a fag/jazzmag sesh, he'd sit there laying SBDs (silent but deadlies), until they left!

Hank says: Fearn the fat one

Troy says: Fearn Johnson - deffo

Randy says: Is it not Fern Britain? The one who started life doing Gus Honeybun's birthdays (that twat rabbit puppet) on Television South West, and now hosts Ready, Steady Cook?

Hank says: That's the one! OK OK this has just become a game of naming famous people!! I think we need to remember that the purpose is to name absolute t and a's. As annoying as Clive Anderson can be, he's not in the same ball park as Wolf from Gladiators.

Troy says: Some people think Wolf's a legend

Randy says: What about Shadow? He was a bigger fucker.

Chuck says: Sorry I've been a swot so far.....I'm not playing unless Parky makes it onto the list - I'm pulling rank here as co-inventor of the game, and he is top 10 material!!!

Hank says: Think this should go to a vote…… Troy and Randy? Casting votes please…. Parky in or out?

Randy says: In

Troy says: In

Hank says: OK. Parky at number 11?

Troy says: Only if Jonathan Ross is at No. 10. Wossy gets it, especially as Julia fancies him a bit (Troy's bird)

Randy says: I wouldn't stand for that. You need to stalk the bastard and give him a kicking. Stealing another guy's bird is just not on.

Hank says: Yep grab him by his wavy mane and force feed him another man's cock, that'll teach him

Randy says: I'm sure he wouldn't mind…..he probably has to do that a lot at the BBC to get his contract extended don't you think? Well, that's how I understand the entertainment biz works anyway.

Chuck says: Going back to Gus Honeybun. Can anyone think of any other puppets who should be burnt at the stake?

Randy says: Joe 90. What a fucker. Also, Noel Edmonds deserves to go up the league:-

1) When I was 10 and living near the seaside in Dorset, Swap-Shop came to our town one Saturday. Wanting to participate, but being a kid of small financial means, I took along an action man to swap after taking it's clothes off……….well I mean……Action Man clothes cost a FORTUNE! Not only did he humiliate me in front of a crowd of around 2000 people for trying to swap a nude Action Man, the fucker took the piss out of me for being from a poor family. What a cunt.

2) Approximately 17 years later, imagine his surprise when after spotting him in his very girly Lotus Elan on Marylebone Road, I proceeded to firstly drive approximately six inches behind him at 85 miles an hour on the elevated section of the A40 whilst leaning out of the window and making it quite clear that I was going to kill him, and then secondly burning him off in a clapped out Vauxhall Cavalier.

3) After the above, he worked out where his accelerator was and did me on the inside lane (after I made him shit himself by pretending that I hadn't seen him undertaking me and swerving across into his lane), he calmly gave me the bird and then missed the exit for the BBC at Shepherd's Bush roundabout, hit a tailback and then had to deal with me getting out of my car and threatening to kill him.

What a twat.

Chuck says: Noel's definately in. Bearded twat. And that cunt The Banker.

Troy says: For the women section, Donatella Versace for the lips and those two slags that go around dressing absolute hogs up to try and make them look pretty Cindy and Lucy or something like that

Randy says: Oh yes. That skinny and fat bitch who apply liberal amounts of pollyfilla to fat women's cellulite.

Hank says: What? These two?

Troy says: All of the actors that play hobbits in Lord of the Rings, what a bunch of woofters

Randy says: Any character related to Lord of the Rings or in fact any character in any Tolkien novel. I've got a mate who works in Oxford, and they get shitfaced at lunchtime in this pub called the Spread Eagle around the corner from the office. Apparently Tolkien used to sit in there all day, everyday smoking a pipe, farting and pretending to write books. Twat.

Randy says: I need to get you to approve something. I reckon that this chat could achieve cult status if we set up a blog, each direct 10 friends to it and tell them to forward it to 10 friends etc etc etc.

The reason for the approval is that unlike that TWAT who set up Facebook, I'm not interested in facing you all across a courtroom at some later stage after I've made a mint out of it.
So, please indicate your approval by saying "I" and I'll then set it up and I vote that this morning's sparkling exchange goes up as our first posting and then we all contribute to the blog so that we don't risk our livelihoods by doing it on here.

Over to you girls.

Chuck, Troy and Hank say simultaneously: I

AT THIS JUNCTURE A PERSON OF SWARTHY APPEARANCE AND SPORTING A BEARD AND FUNNY HAT IS CAUGHT WALKING AROUND SOMEWHERE NEAR THEIR OFFICE WITH A RUCKSACK ON. POLICE APPEAR FROM ALL DIRECTIONS AND UNFORTUNATELY THE FUN AND GAMES STOP.